Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Starting Over

I have been procrastinating for a long time, and I'm scared. As you may recall, I lost 13 pounds in January/February and was feeling optimistic at a humble 170. Well, I weighed myself yesterday, and I'm back to 183 pounds. 183.8, to be exact. I feel stuck. A part of me feels like giving up. Every day I rationalize my bad behavior by telling myself, "I'll start again tomorrow." I don't want to waste my entire life this way, but each day it's so easy to tell myself that I will be perfect at some future point and that it's really OK to just eat with wild abandon now.

It's like I'm beating my soul with a club. I can't take this back-and-forth anymore. I can't take being 140 pounds one second and 180 the next. I can't even see myself anymore. I know people see me as a heavy person now, but just a year or two ago, they didn't. My weight has bounced around so much. I don't ever want to be in the 200's again, and I am way too close for comfort right now.

I don't know what my problem is, really. I feel like an addict. I really get the sense that I know what an alcoholic or a drug addict feels because I'm doing something that makes no logical sense and is hurting me, and most of the time I feel powerless to stop it.

When I think about it logically, I know that staying on my diet is more important to me than eating that piece of chocolate, or pile of cheesy chips, or whatever. I've been through this a million times. Why do I keep choosing the path that makes me unhappy?

I'm trying to find that motivation again. I'm hoping that this time I'll be able to remove the weight for good. I want to believe that.

PRISM seems to work for me, so I'll give it a try once more...