Happy Happy Joy Joy

I am absurdly happy about making it to Day 3. For some reason, I have been unable to do this for even one day since January. I have a rabid craving for fruit. In my entire life, I have never craved fruit the way I have over the last couple days. Maybe I am just deperate for sugar, but even in the past when I gave it up, I did not experience this extreme need for fruit. I just got some fresh peaches and rasberries at the store. They are divine. Sigh.

I was too tired yesterday to write anything or go to the gym, but today I worked out for almost an hour.

Yesterday's assignment in the PRISM workbook was all about getting the subconscious mind on the plan. They claim that one of the reasons people gain back the weight is that they have an image of themselves as a "fat person," and even when they reach their right weight, they feel compelled to eat wildly and gain it all back.

I have gained a lot of weight over the past couple years. Probably between 30-40 pounds. I lost 30 in 3-4 months back in 2008, and then I gained it all back plus ten within a year. Sad.

I'm not going to let that happen again.

PRISM requires us to find a picture - either one of us at our ideal weight, or one of someone with a similar build, etc., who represents our ideal weight (with our own face pasted onto it - seriously). We are to look at it every day and repeat an affirmation about how this represents the person we truly are, and how we accept that, etc.

Well, even though it sounds a bit weird, I will definitely do this because I am convinced that something freaky has been going on in my subconscious for a long time! Why else would I be doing something completely illogical and self-destructive for years on end? I need to change the way I see myself. Even when I lost all that weight a couple years ago, I still thought I was fat and wasn't even sure if people would be able to tell. Looking back on photos now, I know that the change was dramatic. I really have no clear sense of myself as a physical being.

At my highest weight, in my early 20s, I was about 230 pounds. Over the course of 6 months to a year, I lost so much weight and changed many things about my life, getting down to 140 or so. For some reason though, I bounced around between 150-170 for years afterwards, and then started climbing again when I turned 27 or 28. I'm 31 today, and I don't want to spend another decade like this. I think I deserve to be my ideal weight and just live my life happily.

Anyway, for now I'm just going to focus on today. Otherwise I freak out.

Made it!

I got through a day on the plan. I almost bailed at one point, but I stuck it out. I ate around 1,500 calories today, and my range is between 1,200-1,800. I even when to the gym for 30 minutes. I keep thinking bad things about myself. Like when I look in the mirror, I tell myself, "you look like a 'before' picture, why are we here again, it's going to take forever, you're wasting your/my life, you're ugly, hideous, etc., etc."

Yeah, if I had a friend like me hanging around, I'd have punched her out a long time ago. It's really pitiful.

I have to work on my thoughts. Optimism has never been one of my characteristics, but it's never too late to start.

The PRISM lesson for today was about a new beginning, putting the past in the past. I have to believe that this time can be different, or else there really isn't much of a point. Honestly, I do believe it can be different as long as I continue to learn and grow. I don't want to be in this cycle forever.

1. Did you make a plan of what you would eat today? [I'm abbreviating the questions here, just in case anyone is paying close attention! haha]

No, but it would be helpful for me to do that, or at least to keep a food journal throughout the day. I am pretty good at counting those calories at this point in my life, but it's much more effective when I do it earlier.

2. What new foods would you consider trying?

I find that cutting out sugar and white flour while counting calories kind of forces me to eat a greater range of fruits and vegetables. That's one of the main things I want to do during this phase, increase my fruits and veggies! Also, I need to drink more water. Desperately.

3. How will being disciplined and staying on the plan help you?

Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in the dark, and having a plan like this makes me feel like I've got a rope to hold onto. I saw a show once about these scientists who stay in extreme conditons in Antarctica. They put ropes between the buildings so that they can feel their way home, even if there is a storm, and not get swept away to their deaths. Right or wrong, PRISM is kind of like that for me. If there is a better way, I haven't found it.

4. Which of these benefits are most important to you? Why?

I want to be free of this problem, and I want to lose the weight. This is the only way I know how to do that, and each day that I stay on it, I feel (and am) closer to my goal. Only people who have struggled with weight issues for a lifetime can understand what that means to someone like me.

Food Log

turkey meatballs - 325
2 smashed fruit bars (I'm obsessed with these - obsessed!) - 260
odwalla superfood - 260
nonfat latte/cream - 160
frozen thing (organic Indian food, yum) - 320
plain yogurt - 50
Starbucks coffee drink w/ splenda - 100
------------------
1,475

I drink WAY too much coffee. But I did manage to squeeze some fruit in there in some form. These new fruit bars I discovered are amazing. They are thick and delicious, and they really fill me up. Almost as good as a candy bar.

I'm nervous about tomorrow. I have to go back to work too. I'll let you know how it goes!