Sunday, June 27, 2010

I lost 6 pounds!

Is that even possible in one week? I'm thinking that a lot of it is probably water, but still... It was wonderful to see the 170s winking back at me from the scale this morning. I can't wait to see my old friend the 160s again.

Anyway, I haven't posted all my workbook entries out here this week, but I've done a good job sticking to my plan. It was extremely hard a few times, but I never regret the decision to STAY ON MY FREAKIN' PLAN!!! I should try to remember that. I never lay in bed thinking, "oh, how I wish I would have tasted a large quantity of that chocolate mousse tonight!" But Lord knows I've spent countless hours crying over the food I did eat and the plans I abandoned. I don't want to do that to myself anymore.

I'm in the process of moving (across town), and so I had to deal with the bins of lovely clothes I've mentioned. My clothes are roughly organized into totes by size. I've got the 14s (which are close; my 16s are getting loose, thank goodness), the 12s, the 10s and 8s... And.. last but not least... I have 2-3 totes full of size 6's. I haven't been able to wear those clothes for a while (umm... 5 years maybe, and that was short lived), but of course, I love them.

I want to be able to wear my clothes. It may seem trivial to some, but you have no idea how bad I want that. It really motivates me.

Some of these items have never even been worn and still have the tags attached. I feel a strange mixture of sadness, longing, self-disgust, and hope when I look at them.

Oh, in one case, I saw that I have the same pair of brown Banana Republic slacks in 4 sizes: 16, 14, 12, and 10. When I realized that as I was packing yesterday, I actually laughed aloud. It's too absurd for words.

At my ideal weight, I am a 6-7. My lovely clothes are waiting....

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Happy Happy Joy Joy

I am absurdly happy about making it to Day 3. For some reason, I have been unable to do this for even one day since January. I have a rabid craving for fruit. In my entire life, I have never craved fruit the way I have over the last couple days. Maybe I am just deperate for sugar, but even in the past when I gave it up, I did not experience this extreme need for fruit. I just got some fresh peaches and rasberries at the store. They are divine. Sigh.

I was too tired yesterday to write anything or go to the gym, but today I worked out for almost an hour.

Yesterday's assignment in the PRISM workbook was all about getting the subconscious mind on the plan. They claim that one of the reasons people gain back the weight is that they have an image of themselves as a "fat person," and even when they reach their right weight, they feel compelled to eat wildly and gain it all back.

I have gained a lot of weight over the past couple years. Probably between 30-40 pounds. I lost 30 in 3-4 months back in 2008, and then I gained it all back plus ten within a year. Sad.

I'm not going to let that happen again.

PRISM requires us to find a picture - either one of us at our ideal weight, or one of someone with a similar build, etc., who represents our ideal weight (with our own face pasted onto it - seriously). We are to look at it every day and repeat an affirmation about how this represents the person we truly are, and how we accept that, etc.

Well, even though it sounds a bit weird, I will definitely do this because I am convinced that something freaky has been going on in my subconscious for a long time! Why else would I be doing something completely illogical and self-destructive for years on end? I need to change the way I see myself. Even when I lost all that weight a couple years ago, I still thought I was fat and wasn't even sure if people would be able to tell. Looking back on photos now, I know that the change was dramatic. I really have no clear sense of myself as a physical being.

At my highest weight, in my early 20s, I was about 230 pounds. Over the course of 6 months to a year, I lost so much weight and changed many things about my life, getting down to 140 or so. For some reason though, I bounced around between 150-170 for years afterwards, and then started climbing again when I turned 27 or 28. I'm 31 today, and I don't want to spend another decade like this. I think I deserve to be my ideal weight and just live my life happily.

Anyway, for now I'm just going to focus on today. Otherwise I freak out.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Made it!

I got through a day on the plan. I almost bailed at one point, but I stuck it out. I ate around 1,500 calories today, and my range is between 1,200-1,800. I even when to the gym for 30 minutes. I keep thinking bad things about myself. Like when I look in the mirror, I tell myself, "you look like a 'before' picture, why are we here again, it's going to take forever, you're wasting your/my life, you're ugly, hideous, etc., etc."

Yeah, if I had a friend like me hanging around, I'd have punched her out a long time ago. It's really pitiful.

I have to work on my thoughts. Optimism has never been one of my characteristics, but it's never too late to start.

The PRISM lesson for today was about a new beginning, putting the past in the past. I have to believe that this time can be different, or else there really isn't much of a point. Honestly, I do believe it can be different as long as I continue to learn and grow. I don't want to be in this cycle forever.

1. Did you make a plan of what you would eat today? [I'm abbreviating the questions here, just in case anyone is paying close attention! haha]

No, but it would be helpful for me to do that, or at least to keep a food journal throughout the day. I am pretty good at counting those calories at this point in my life, but it's much more effective when I do it earlier.

2. What new foods would you consider trying?

I find that cutting out sugar and white flour while counting calories kind of forces me to eat a greater range of fruits and vegetables. That's one of the main things I want to do during this phase, increase my fruits and veggies! Also, I need to drink more water. Desperately.

3. How will being disciplined and staying on the plan help you?

Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in the dark, and having a plan like this makes me feel like I've got a rope to hold onto. I saw a show once about these scientists who stay in extreme conditons in Antarctica. They put ropes between the buildings so that they can feel their way home, even if there is a storm, and not get swept away to their deaths. Right or wrong, PRISM is kind of like that for me. If there is a better way, I haven't found it.

4. Which of these benefits are most important to you? Why?

I want to be free of this problem, and I want to lose the weight. This is the only way I know how to do that, and each day that I stay on it, I feel (and am) closer to my goal. Only people who have struggled with weight issues for a lifetime can understand what that means to someone like me.

Food Log

turkey meatballs - 325
2 smashed fruit bars (I'm obsessed with these - obsessed!) - 260
odwalla superfood - 260
nonfat latte/cream - 160
frozen thing (organic Indian food, yum) - 320
plain yogurt - 50
Starbucks coffee drink w/ splenda - 100

I drink WAY too much coffee. But I did manage to squeeze some fruit in there in some form. These new fruit bars I discovered are amazing. They are thick and delicious, and they really fill me up. Almost as good as a candy bar.

I'm nervous about tomorrow. I have to go back to work too. I'll let you know how it goes!

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Pity Party, Concluded

All right, I am done. I was 185.5 pounds when I weighed myself today. That is a number that I haven't seen in years, and I'd like to race away from it as quickly as possible. I dug out my PRISM workbook and am going to start with the Introductory lesson. Tomorrow will be Day One of Phase One... again. I think I'll also check with PRISM and see if there is an in-person group I can join.

I just read the introductory lesson. I can understand what Toni Vogt, PRISM founder, means when she says that she spent years either dieting or gaining weight. That describes me perfectly. I've been so tired and so whiney for the past five or six months. Gazing back over a pattern like this is enough to make a person with such issues want to give up and dive into a chocolate mousse. But that attitude isn't getting me anywhere but fatter, so I'm going to dust myself off and try again.

Toni describes the dark period of her life that took place before the turning point when she changed her eating behaviors permanently: "The large quantities of food I consumed served as a temporary sedative for the emotional pain I was in. Each time I gave in to food after I promised myself I wouldn't, I reinforced my feelings of inadequacy and lack of control."

That's exactly how I feel. Sigh.

One of the core components of PRISM is that you are not allowed to violate the program guidelines at all. If you do, you remove yourself from the program and start over (Phase One, Day One) when you are ready. They claim that each time you give in and violate the guidelines you set for yourself, your self-worth is diminished. This self-worth is vital to success.

Yep. My self-worth is at an all-time low these days.

I read once that each time you give in to food, you strengthen your "giving in" muscle, while each time you resist and make a healthy choice, you strengthen that part of you. I've definitely been empowering the "giving in" part of me lately. Yes, Dr. H., it's time to turn this ship around.

Honestly, one can joke or be light-hearted about these things, but the fact is that this shit is painful. I am tired of hurting.

Anyway, here are my answers to the Intro. workbook questions.

1. Describe the feelings you have about beginning this program.

In general, the feelings I have been having about myself lately are those of despair and worthlessness. I have doubts about whether I can do this since I have failed so many times before, and I am exhausted to have to be losing the same weight I already lost - for what seems like the millionth time. I hate it. On the other hand, there is a sense of peace that I feel when I think about actually sticking to the guidelines. I know that when I follow this plan, each day gets me closer to my goal and leaves me feeling better about myself. I want that, so I have hope inside that I'll actually be able to do it and start making my way out of this hole.

2. Do you believe that the Agreement of Resolution [a pledge that I will follow the guidelines of the program exactly] will influence your ability to succeed in the program? How?

The only time I have ever lost a significant amount of weight in my life has been when I was following this agreement. For some reason, it seems to work for me. So, yes, I believe that if I follow it, I'll succeed.

3. What is your primary motivation for begining this program?

I want to live my best life. I am tired of feeling this way, and I want to be happy. Also, I want my boyfriend and the other people who love me to feel happy around me and not to be harmed by my negative moods. Being in good shape really helps me look and feel better, and it impacts every area of my life.

4. How will your life change when you reach your "right weight"? How do you feel when you think about becoming the person you were created to be?

I will be more comfortable in my own skin, more confident, sexier, and more energetic. I'll also be able to wear my clothes again. (Oh countless adorable clothing items waiting patiently in plastic totes, how I miss you!) Most importantly, I will be happy. I'll feel better about being alive, interacting with people, and doing everything I want to do. It's amazing how much this impacts me. When I think about it, I feel happy and free. I want to speed up time so that I can just get there!

The PRISM workbook is full of Bible verses. This one inspires me: "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things; and the God of peace shall be with you."

Monday, June 14, 2010

Feelin' Fat

A doctor once looked from my weight chart to my belly and said, "Amelia, it's time to turn this ship around." He was referring, of course, to the obscene amount of weight I had gained that year. "It's not just that you're overweight," he explained shortly afterwards. "It's the yo-yo, the back and forth." He pointed at my chart and showed me how my weight had been fluctuating by 10-20 pounds every few months.

He explained what it takes for a body to pack on and then remove that amount of weight.

"Do you have any idea how hard this is on your body? Can you imagine what you're doing to yourself?" I stared at the chart and smiled meekly.

"uhh.. yeah." I had nothing else to say! All I knew was that I felt fat, out of control, and hopeless. My clothes didn't fit anymore. I was too ashamed to meet people I hadn't seen in a long time. Men no longer met my gaze with flirtatious sparkles in their eyes. Once, a little girl pointed at me and yelled, "fat lady!"

I didn't like myself. I knew it was my fault, and I didn't know how to change it. It was impacting every second of my life, and I felt powerless to do anything about it.

When I heard my doctor's words,"time to turn this ship around," something finally clicked. I lost 40 pounds over the next 6 months or so, and I kept it off for a long time.

I was thinking today that I'm back at that point again. My ship just traveled back in the same direction and got off course in a major way. I'm fat again, and it's time once more to use every ounce of will in my being to turn it around and pick up momentum in the opposite direction. Why is it so difficult? Getting started seems to be the hardest part for me. I keep wanting to procrastinate. It's so easy to put this off.

Well, I'm not doing that anymore. It has to start now.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Starting Over

I have been procrastinating for a long time, and I'm scared. As you may recall, I lost 13 pounds in January/February and was feeling optimistic at a humble 170. Well, I weighed myself yesterday, and I'm back to 183 pounds. 183.8, to be exact. I feel stuck. A part of me feels like giving up. Every day I rationalize my bad behavior by telling myself, "I'll start again tomorrow." I don't want to waste my entire life this way, but each day it's so easy to tell myself that I will be perfect at some future point and that it's really OK to just eat with wild abandon now.

It's like I'm beating my soul with a club. I can't take this back-and-forth anymore. I can't take being 140 pounds one second and 180 the next. I can't even see myself anymore. I know people see me as a heavy person now, but just a year or two ago, they didn't. My weight has bounced around so much. I don't ever want to be in the 200's again, and I am way too close for comfort right now.

I don't know what my problem is, really. I feel like an addict. I really get the sense that I know what an alcoholic or a drug addict feels because I'm doing something that makes no logical sense and is hurting me, and most of the time I feel powerless to stop it.

When I think about it logically, I know that staying on my diet is more important to me than eating that piece of chocolate, or pile of cheesy chips, or whatever. I've been through this a million times. Why do I keep choosing the path that makes me unhappy?

I'm trying to find that motivation again. I'm hoping that this time I'll be able to remove the weight for good. I want to believe that.

PRISM seems to work for me, so I'll give it a try once more...


Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Psyching Up

Well, all day I've been thinking about what it is that causes me to overeat and continue plunging back into this cycle... I guess I just have to keep trying and working to understand it. I'm going to start again with the PRISM workbook tomorrow.. Maybe that'll help.