Saturday, June 19, 2010

Pity Party, Concluded

All right, I am done. I was 185.5 pounds when I weighed myself today. That is a number that I haven't seen in years, and I'd like to race away from it as quickly as possible. I dug out my PRISM workbook and am going to start with the Introductory lesson. Tomorrow will be Day One of Phase One... again. I think I'll also check with PRISM and see if there is an in-person group I can join.

I just read the introductory lesson. I can understand what Toni Vogt, PRISM founder, means when she says that she spent years either dieting or gaining weight. That describes me perfectly. I've been so tired and so whiney for the past five or six months. Gazing back over a pattern like this is enough to make a person with such issues want to give up and dive into a chocolate mousse. But that attitude isn't getting me anywhere but fatter, so I'm going to dust myself off and try again.

Toni describes the dark period of her life that took place before the turning point when she changed her eating behaviors permanently: "The large quantities of food I consumed served as a temporary sedative for the emotional pain I was in. Each time I gave in to food after I promised myself I wouldn't, I reinforced my feelings of inadequacy and lack of control."

That's exactly how I feel. Sigh.

One of the core components of PRISM is that you are not allowed to violate the program guidelines at all. If you do, you remove yourself from the program and start over (Phase One, Day One) when you are ready. They claim that each time you give in and violate the guidelines you set for yourself, your self-worth is diminished. This self-worth is vital to success.

Yep. My self-worth is at an all-time low these days.

I read once that each time you give in to food, you strengthen your "giving in" muscle, while each time you resist and make a healthy choice, you strengthen that part of you. I've definitely been empowering the "giving in" part of me lately. Yes, Dr. H., it's time to turn this ship around.

Honestly, one can joke or be light-hearted about these things, but the fact is that this shit is painful. I am tired of hurting.

Anyway, here are my answers to the Intro. workbook questions.

1. Describe the feelings you have about beginning this program.

In general, the feelings I have been having about myself lately are those of despair and worthlessness. I have doubts about whether I can do this since I have failed so many times before, and I am exhausted to have to be losing the same weight I already lost - for what seems like the millionth time. I hate it. On the other hand, there is a sense of peace that I feel when I think about actually sticking to the guidelines. I know that when I follow this plan, each day gets me closer to my goal and leaves me feeling better about myself. I want that, so I have hope inside that I'll actually be able to do it and start making my way out of this hole.

2. Do you believe that the Agreement of Resolution [a pledge that I will follow the guidelines of the program exactly] will influence your ability to succeed in the program? How?

The only time I have ever lost a significant amount of weight in my life has been when I was following this agreement. For some reason, it seems to work for me. So, yes, I believe that if I follow it, I'll succeed.

3. What is your primary motivation for begining this program?

I want to live my best life. I am tired of feeling this way, and I want to be happy. Also, I want my boyfriend and the other people who love me to feel happy around me and not to be harmed by my negative moods. Being in good shape really helps me look and feel better, and it impacts every area of my life.

4. How will your life change when you reach your "right weight"? How do you feel when you think about becoming the person you were created to be?

I will be more comfortable in my own skin, more confident, sexier, and more energetic. I'll also be able to wear my clothes again. (Oh countless adorable clothing items waiting patiently in plastic totes, how I miss you!) Most importantly, I will be happy. I'll feel better about being alive, interacting with people, and doing everything I want to do. It's amazing how much this impacts me. When I think about it, I feel happy and free. I want to speed up time so that I can just get there!

The PRISM workbook is full of Bible verses. This one inspires me: "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things; and the God of peace shall be with you."

Monday, June 14, 2010

Feelin' Fat

A doctor once looked from my weight chart to my belly and said, "Amelia, it's time to turn this ship around." He was referring, of course, to the obscene amount of weight I had gained that year. "It's not just that you're overweight," he explained shortly afterwards. "It's the yo-yo, the back and forth." He pointed at my chart and showed me how my weight had been fluctuating by 10-20 pounds every few months.

He explained what it takes for a body to pack on and then remove that amount of weight.

"Do you have any idea how hard this is on your body? Can you imagine what you're doing to yourself?" I stared at the chart and smiled meekly.

"uhh.. yeah." I had nothing else to say! All I knew was that I felt fat, out of control, and hopeless. My clothes didn't fit anymore. I was too ashamed to meet people I hadn't seen in a long time. Men no longer met my gaze with flirtatious sparkles in their eyes. Once, a little girl pointed at me and yelled, "fat lady!"

I didn't like myself. I knew it was my fault, and I didn't know how to change it. It was impacting every second of my life, and I felt powerless to do anything about it.

When I heard my doctor's words,"time to turn this ship around," something finally clicked. I lost 40 pounds over the next 6 months or so, and I kept it off for a long time.

I was thinking today that I'm back at that point again. My ship just traveled back in the same direction and got off course in a major way. I'm fat again, and it's time once more to use every ounce of will in my being to turn it around and pick up momentum in the opposite direction. Why is it so difficult? Getting started seems to be the hardest part for me. I keep wanting to procrastinate. It's so easy to put this off.

Well, I'm not doing that anymore. It has to start now.