Made it!

I got through a day on the plan. I almost bailed at one point, but I stuck it out. I ate around 1,500 calories today, and my range is between 1,200-1,800. I even when to the gym for 30 minutes. I keep thinking bad things about myself. Like when I look in the mirror, I tell myself, "you look like a 'before' picture, why are we here again, it's going to take forever, you're wasting your/my life, you're ugly, hideous, etc., etc."

Yeah, if I had a friend like me hanging around, I'd have punched her out a long time ago. It's really pitiful.

I have to work on my thoughts. Optimism has never been one of my characteristics, but it's never too late to start.

The PRISM lesson for today was about a new beginning, putting the past in the past. I have to believe that this time can be different, or else there really isn't much of a point. Honestly, I do believe it can be different as long as I continue to learn and grow. I don't want to be in this cycle forever.

1. Did you make a plan of what you would eat today? [I'm abbreviating the questions here, just in case anyone is paying close attention! haha]

No, but it would be helpful for me to do that, or at least to keep a food journal throughout the day. I am pretty good at counting those calories at this point in my life, but it's much more effective when I do it earlier.

2. What new foods would you consider trying?

I find that cutting out sugar and white flour while counting calories kind of forces me to eat a greater range of fruits and vegetables. That's one of the main things I want to do during this phase, increase my fruits and veggies! Also, I need to drink more water. Desperately.

3. How will being disciplined and staying on the plan help you?

Sometimes it feels like I'm drowning in the dark, and having a plan like this makes me feel like I've got a rope to hold onto. I saw a show once about these scientists who stay in extreme conditons in Antarctica. They put ropes between the buildings so that they can feel their way home, even if there is a storm, and not get swept away to their deaths. Right or wrong, PRISM is kind of like that for me. If there is a better way, I haven't found it.

4. Which of these benefits are most important to you? Why?

I want to be free of this problem, and I want to lose the weight. This is the only way I know how to do that, and each day that I stay on it, I feel (and am) closer to my goal. Only people who have struggled with weight issues for a lifetime can understand what that means to someone like me.

Food Log

turkey meatballs - 325
2 smashed fruit bars (I'm obsessed with these - obsessed!) - 260
odwalla superfood - 260
nonfat latte/cream - 160
frozen thing (organic Indian food, yum) - 320
plain yogurt - 50
Starbucks coffee drink w/ splenda - 100
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1,475

I drink WAY too much coffee. But I did manage to squeeze some fruit in there in some form. These new fruit bars I discovered are amazing. They are thick and delicious, and they really fill me up. Almost as good as a candy bar.

I'm nervous about tomorrow. I have to go back to work too. I'll let you know how it goes!