All right, I am done. I was 185.5 pounds when I weighed myself today. That is a number that I haven't seen in years, and I'd like to race away from it as quickly as possible. I dug out my PRISM workbook and am going to start with the Introductory lesson. Tomorrow will be Day One of Phase One... again. I think I'll also check with PRISM and see if there is an in-person group I can join.
I just read the introductory lesson. I can understand what Toni Vogt, PRISM founder, means when she says that she spent years either dieting or gaining weight. That describes me perfectly. I've been so tired and so whiney for the past five or six months. Gazing back over a pattern like this is enough to make a person with such issues want to give up and dive into a chocolate mousse. But that attitude isn't getting me anywhere but fatter, so I'm going to dust myself off and try again.
Toni describes the dark period of her life that took place before the turning point when she changed her eating behaviors permanently: "The large quantities of food I consumed served as a temporary sedative for the emotional pain I was in. Each time I gave in to food after I promised myself I wouldn't, I reinforced my feelings of inadequacy and lack of control."
That's exactly how I feel. Sigh.
One of the core components of PRISM is that you are not allowed to violate the program guidelines at all. If you do, you remove yourself from the program and start over (Phase One, Day One) when you are ready. They claim that each time you give in and violate the guidelines you set for yourself, your self-worth is diminished. This self-worth is vital to success.
Yep. My self-worth is at an all-time low these days.
I read once that each time you give in to food, you strengthen your "giving in" muscle, while each time you resist and make a healthy choice, you strengthen that part of you. I've definitely been empowering the "giving in" part of me lately. Yes, Dr. H., it's time to turn this ship around.
Honestly, one can joke or be light-hearted about these things, but the fact is that this shit is painful. I am tired of hurting.
Anyway, here are my answers to the Intro. workbook questions.
1. Describe the feelings you have about beginning this program.
In general, the feelings I have been having about myself lately are those of despair and worthlessness. I have doubts about whether I can do this since I have failed so many times before, and I am exhausted to have to be losing the same weight I already lost - for what seems like the millionth time. I hate it. On the other hand, there is a sense of peace that I feel when I think about actually sticking to the guidelines. I know that when I follow this plan, each day gets me closer to my goal and leaves me feeling better about myself. I want that, so I have hope inside that I'll actually be able to do it and start making my way out of this hole.
2. Do you believe that the Agreement of Resolution [a pledge that I will follow the guidelines of the program exactly] will influence your ability to succeed in the program? How?
The only time I have ever lost a significant amount of weight in my life has been when I was following this agreement. For some reason, it seems to work for me. So, yes, I believe that if I follow it, I'll succeed.
3. What is your primary motivation for begining this program?
I want to live my best life. I am tired of feeling this way, and I want to be happy. Also, I want my boyfriend and the other people who love me to feel happy around me and not to be harmed by my negative moods. Being in good shape really helps me look and feel better, and it impacts every area of my life.
4. How will your life change when you reach your "right weight"? How do you feel when you think about becoming the person you were created to be?
I will be more comfortable in my own skin, more confident, sexier, and more energetic. I'll also be able to wear my clothes again. (Oh countless adorable clothing items waiting patiently in plastic totes, how I miss you!) Most importantly, I will be happy. I'll feel better about being alive, interacting with people, and doing everything I want to do. It's amazing how much this impacts me. When I think about it, I feel happy and free. I want to speed up time so that I can just get there!
The PRISM workbook is full of Bible verses. This one inspires me: "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things. The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things; and the God of peace shall be with you."