Happy Happy Joy Joy

I am absurdly happy about making it to Day 3. For some reason, I have been unable to do this for even one day since January. I have a rabid craving for fruit. In my entire life, I have never craved fruit the way I have over the last couple days. Maybe I am just deperate for sugar, but even in the past when I gave it up, I did not experience this extreme need for fruit. I just got some fresh peaches and rasberries at the store. They are divine. Sigh.

I was too tired yesterday to write anything or go to the gym, but today I worked out for almost an hour.

Yesterday's assignment in the PRISM workbook was all about getting the subconscious mind on the plan. They claim that one of the reasons people gain back the weight is that they have an image of themselves as a "fat person," and even when they reach their right weight, they feel compelled to eat wildly and gain it all back.

I have gained a lot of weight over the past couple years. Probably between 30-40 pounds. I lost 30 in 3-4 months back in 2008, and then I gained it all back plus ten within a year. Sad.

I'm not going to let that happen again.

PRISM requires us to find a picture - either one of us at our ideal weight, or one of someone with a similar build, etc., who represents our ideal weight (with our own face pasted onto it - seriously). We are to look at it every day and repeat an affirmation about how this represents the person we truly are, and how we accept that, etc.

Well, even though it sounds a bit weird, I will definitely do this because I am convinced that something freaky has been going on in my subconscious for a long time! Why else would I be doing something completely illogical and self-destructive for years on end? I need to change the way I see myself. Even when I lost all that weight a couple years ago, I still thought I was fat and wasn't even sure if people would be able to tell. Looking back on photos now, I know that the change was dramatic. I really have no clear sense of myself as a physical being.

At my highest weight, in my early 20s, I was about 230 pounds. Over the course of 6 months to a year, I lost so much weight and changed many things about my life, getting down to 140 or so. For some reason though, I bounced around between 150-170 for years afterwards, and then started climbing again when I turned 27 or 28. I'm 31 today, and I don't want to spend another decade like this. I think I deserve to be my ideal weight and just live my life happily.

Anyway, for now I'm just going to focus on today. Otherwise I freak out.